Patti Page

....from old Cape Cod...

Greetings, girls, from the Gateway to Heaven, to borrow a phrase from Marsha, who mutters that everytime some young thing bends over in front of her...

Whew...such an exhausting social whirl down here reminds me of those gas station/restaurant pit stops on the highways in Texas. Cathy and I were over at the A-House the other night when she loudly whispered into my ear "Who is that man dressed like a Jewish housewife over there by the urinals?" In a flash, I spun around on my spikes to behold Ms. Anthony Costa. Spinning around some more I slapped Cathy's little behind for being so rude about such a beloved sick sister as Ms. Costa and for being so clever with a dish that I should have thought of too many B&Bs, I guess... anyway, it was nice to see some honest to goodness Boston trash in town and I do mean that with all due affection we sick sisters stick together.

Of course THE item on the calendar this week was the grand opening of POLYESTER here in P-Town Klieg lights and all. Edith Massey was the star attraction in the flesh deposited at the theatre in a jeep oy vey... she does steal the show and it was appropriate that she was here for us to ogle. Sad to hear that she got sooo badly ripped off for her part in the flick she was paid almost zilch for three months work. That girl deserves better than muddy waters, John, that is.

Speaking of mud, the local politicians sure do know how to sling it all around especially at every bar and fun place in town those girls on that board of selectmen know nothing about real fun. I just can't wait til I give out my labor pains awards on Labor Day. A slight hint Applause, a new local entertainment magazine that is "sort of" gay, has the inside track on an award all its own for finally letting the world know what the sound of one hand clapping is. I mean really, girls, can you in your wildest bedrugged dreams imagine Vorelli's getting "Restaurant of the year" award WHAT A DUMB MAGAZINE makes me want to run out and buy up all of the Ragu sauce at the A&P so they can't have any to serve.

When clouds appear in our fair paradise there is the threat of a power failure and wouldn't you know it, we had one the other day right smack in the middle of T-dance at the 'Slip the faces were priceless a slipped disc here and there and girls everywhere trying their damndest to remember what it was like to T-A-L-K to the person next to them such contortions to recall childhood experiences like communicating it was a trip and a third to be sure. Much more fun than watching people trying to act bored and ever so anxious at the same time.

Shiela has vowed to make power failures he specialty for the rest of the season. She loves those rubber boots!

I got myself good and stoned the other day, plugged myself into my spiked golashes, put on my yellow rain slicker, grabbed my translucent Woolworth's plastic shopping bag you know, the one with the pink daisies on it, and hurried to the A&P to terrorize the aisles. Such bizarre fun! I can assure you that not one single hunk "works" the A&P or works at the A&P. The mommies and daddies and the kiddies our very own little polyester tourists. The girls from western Mass. bitch because there's no frozen quiche to be found. The girls from Boston just keep repeating that "next year, it's Fire Island for sure." The girls from NYC try so hard to convince each other that it's all so quaint.

FLASH: There are two gay cops on the local force this year and those uniforms are real, girls, REAL. So, get yourself arrested and cross your fingers on just who is doing the nabbing or should I say "collaring."

A bow to Steve S. of Chicago House the windy city can be proud.

Now it's time for hints from Heloise don't get real sick down here with you know what Shiela. almost threw up after she came back from the local clinic because she was tired of having to say "Of course I did, Doctor." everytime he asked her any of the obvious questions about her various activities she thought such primitive ignorance could only be read about in National Geographic. Poor girl...she's so certain that the entire world does those things she likes to do can't go into it all here, girls, maybe in the hardbound, privately printed, version of this column.

Hello to Janice the waitress at Pronto it's wonderful to wake up to a sunny disposish that isn't forced by the dream of a bigger tip that girl is for real!

Ooops, forgot to mention Boston I was so happy to see everyone at Leechmere's scooping up those airconditioners next time I expect to see you all at the Fens doing your night gardening watch out because I'll be there soon.

Remember, Patti sees all.

Love ya,

PATTI

000

Paul Parks